Although the UK police has been subject to savage cuts in funding in recent years, there are still numerous opportunities for pensioners to play an active role in the force – especially if you lie about your age and any previous criminal convictions.
While becoming a bona fide officer may be compromised by failing eyesight, shortness of breath or limited mobility, it’s relatively easy to become a Community Support Officer, which entitles you to walk slowly around your neighbourhood, wearing a uniform which many people mistake for that of a police officer and handcuffing children to railings as punishment for shouting in a tree-lined avenue, wearing a onesie in public or having an overlong strap on their satchel.
Probably the easiest point of entry is as one of the new Police & Crime Commissioners. As these are elected positions, there’s no need for any relevant qualifications or experience, and putting together a short video of local people who’ve been repeatedly mugged, repeatedly run over by a drunk driver or repeatedly forced into prostitution should be enough to secure you a landslide victory.
Once in office, you’ll receive a substantial salary, a Heckler & Koch sub-machine gun and a personalised water cannon, and as well as deciding which police stations should close, you’ll also be responsible for naming police horses, choosing the venue of the Christmas party and appearing on local television to provide informed comment on such matters as rustic ovenware and common British waders.