Poisoning, Food


Pensioners are particularly susceptible to food poisoning and given the widespread occurrence of potentially harmful organisms, they should always be vigilant in their choice of foodstuffs and its storage and preparation.

As a rule, you should avoid supermarket chicken, 70% of which contains campylobacter; eggs, 80% of which contain the edwinia curriosum pathogen; and cat litter (commonly used in own brand meat pies), 90% of which contains feline faecal matter.

Meat, fish and most edible underwear should always be stored in a refrigerator and isolated from other foodstuffs in sealed bags or lockable pewter caddies. Fridge temperatures should be set to a minimum of -28°C and continually monitored by attaching a live penguin to the inside of the door.

Since most bacteria is killed by heating, all fresh meat and fish should be oven-baked at 220°C (gas mark 7) for at least 12 hours, while ready-made meals such as cottage listeria, vibrio pasties and lasagne should be incinerated and the resulting ashes liquidised with pupunha and distilled water to make the nutritious drink devised by Gwyneth Paltrow.

Pensioners should remember that intestinal flora is not a low-fat spread, whereas I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bacteria is.