Paper, Toilet


Despite it having one very specific function, toilet paper is now available in over 300 different varieties and this unnecessarily bewildering choice can cause considerable confusion and anxiety among a great many pensioners.

Most toilet paper is advertised by small dogs, koala bears and rabbits – none of which has ever used the product – and all of these can be rejected out of hand.  Novelty toilet paper, such as those printed with crosswords, cartoons or thoughts for the day, are also of dubious merit, while those allegedly impregnated with soothing balms often leave a highly flammable residue on the buttocks and are potentially hazardous to pensioners who smoke while defecating.

By a process of elimination, only two types of toilet paper have been identified as effective, economical and environmentally friendly – Izal Stoolmaster, a reconstituted sand paper, unfortunately no longer available due to lack of demand, and W C Handy’s Organic Number Two Parchment, available by mail order only from