Every pensioner should have their own compost heap, and if they have a garden, at least two.

Compost can be made from all organic and vegetative matter – including egg shells, tea bags and local councillors – and will add goodness and fertility to even the most barren of soils.

Commercial compost accelerators are available but human urine is by far the most effective way to increase the rate of decomposition, and small garden micturators can be hired from Help the Aged and some community service projects.

Compost should be turned regularly to encourage steaming and a proportion of the worms therein removed for use as votive offerings and surprise birthday presents.

Sturdy compost containers can be constructed from railway sleepers, which are readily obtained from your nearest inter-city line under cover of darkness. Many local councils now supply compost bins at subsidised cost, and as well as their intended use, these can also be used for brewing beer, organising shoes and housing illegal immigrants (see Mail, Daily).

Although similar in appearance, compost should never be used to bulk out the content of shop-bought meat pies, but a couple of teaspoons can be added to gravy to give it a rich piquancy and depth of flavour.