For most pensioners, complaining should be a constant source of pleasure, with countless avenues for expressing dissatisfaction about virtually anything.

Large supermarkets are a good place to start, and for your first spleen-venting visit, you should seat yourself in one of their own wheelchairs and manoeuvre yourself slowly and awkwardly to the customer services desk. On being asked the nature of your complaint, adopt a measured, reasonable tone of voice and use the phrase “deliberately designed to mislead” for packaged goods, “probably the worst I’ve ever had” for fresh food and “I don’t like the look on its face” for fish.

When complaining to utility companies, stress the dire circumstances you’re in because of their negligence, begin coughing painfully when they start to speak and then put the phone down. Ring back several times to ask why they cut you off, demand to speak to a supervisor and then put the phone down again. Call the following day and repeat until offered compensation.

Complaining to or about the medical profession is fraught with difficulties, and the optimum course of action is to mount a protest in the vicinity of their facilities – starting with a few pithily worded placards, graduating to the dumping of manure or rotting seals and culminating in a hunger strike with full TV coverage.

If at all possible, never pursue a complaint through the courts, as this will leave you destitute, and avoid involving your local MP, as this will involve talking to your local MP.