To some pensioners, cats can be loyal and affectionate companions providing undemanding friendship, solace and pleasure. To most sane pensioners, they’re irritating little critters that kill birds and crap all over your garden.

The average garden is infested with seven cats, five of which will look too fat to even walk yet exhibit lightning speed and agility when fired at with a catapult or a small surface-to-feline missile. One of the other two will be the subject of a lost or stolen poster campaign on the lampposts of every street within a four mile radius. The remaining cat will be a large mole.

The best way to keep cats out of your garden is to erect a 16’ high electrified fence around the entire perimeter, though this will be ineffective in large parts of Wales, where the indigenous species is known to burrow and pole vault.