Baldness is an unpreventable and irreversible condition which affects an unfairly high proportion of male pensioners.  Numerous remedies are available, mostly involving the application of various animal discharges and excreta, but to date, none of them has been reliably proven.

Male pattern baldness is a condition which eventually makes the top of your head look like a flooring tile, and this can be useful when choosing new coverings for kitchens, bathrooms and small conservatories.

Intentional baldness – such as that seen in monks and football players – usually occurs at a much earlier age, while accidental baldness is most often the result of careless use of a strimmer or over-intimate relationships with sheep shearers.

Baldness is not a sign of virility, particularly pubic baldness.