Foxes

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Broadly speaking, foxes in the UK fall into one of three categories.

Urban foxes. These live and forage in built-up areas, usually sleeping under sheds during the day and emerging after dark to work as table clearers at KFC outlets. Their average life span is 4-6 years, though they can survive up to 10 years if featuring in televised natural history programmes. The young are called cubs and wear woggles.

Rural foxes. These live and forage in open countryside, usually sleeping under listed buildings during the day and emerging after dark to eat organic vegetables and free-range chickens. Their average life span is entirely dependent on their proximity to the nearest hunt. The young are known as scouts and rub their legs together to make fire.

Acting foxes. These live and forage in a small area of London, usually sleeping under an agent during the day and emerging after dark to appear in crime-based TV drama. Their average life span is 60-80 years, though they can survive for up to 100 years if it’s integral to the plot. The young are known as luvvies.

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