Fruit is very good for you and comes in a variety of colours to complement a wide variety of fabrics and décor.

Almost all fruit can be eaten raw, but just as many can be turned into tasteless slop, particularly if bought at Tesco.

English apples are usually sweet, crisp and juicy, but despite the old proverb, one a day doesn’t keep the doctor away, unless you ram it up his car’s exhaust pipe. English gooseberries, plums and strawberries are also excellent, though getting them from pick-your-own establishments can lead to chronic back pain and negate the beneficial effects of eating them.

Fruit salad can be delicious, though care should be taken not to be misled by the name and include cucumber, cottage cheese and pork pies in the mixture.

With the exception of bananas, and possibly pineapples, all foreign fruit is inferior to home-grown varieties, and lychees, cumquats and guavas are particularly bad since they’re derived from animal by-products of a dubious nature.

Fruit which only appears on restaurant menus, such as kiwi fruit, pummelo and mangosteen, should be avoided, while tinned fruit should be reserved for children with undeveloped taste buds and visitors from your local church.

Some fruit is very easy to grow, particularly moss, but although excellent crop yields can be expected, with the exception of the traditional Eton Moss, very few recipes feature them.