M
Although being mugged is a common concern among the elderly, they are, in reality, the least likely age group to become victims of such attacks.
In fact, because both the perpetrators and victims of mugging are predominately under 25, pensioners undoubtedly have an outstanding opportunity to take advantage of the element of surprise and waylay younger people with the audacity and panache of a 21st century highwayman/woman.
The prime times for mugging are the early hours of Saturday and Sunday morning, when a considerable proportion of under-25s are incapable of standing, let alone defending themselves. Offering them unexpected help or buying them a kebab will quickly gain their trust and in most cases, will eliminate the need for real violence, although some senior muggers have had to resort to physical measures when extremely fat drunks have fallen on top of them.
Teaming up with three or four elderly friends will not only add a sense of camaraderie to the enterprise, but also give you immediate access to a convincing amount of evidence of your innocence should you have the misfortune to be apprehended in the course of your activities.
In an average weekend, you should be able to acquire at least 25 smart phones, 80 credit cards, £350 in cash and a varied assortment of stag and hen party costumes, which can be donated to charity shops or other worthy causes.
Needless to say, mugging other pensioners is strictly forbidden.