With extremes of weather becoming increasingly common, road surfaces are now routinely scarred by deep and often dangerous potholes.

In the first two months of 2014 alone, some 300 mobility scooters and their users disappeared into potholes in Cheshire, while more than 1,400 pensioners were thrown from their bicycles and run over by milk floats, refuse lorries and, in one instance, a carnival float depicting the dangers of potholes that was sponsored by the Ministry of Transport.

To avoid damage to your car suspension, the recommended course of action is to drive on the pavement, bearing in mind, of course, to restrict your speed to less than 50mph wherever possible.  Alternatively, you can fit a rocket propelled infill launcher to the bonnet of your car and this will automatically detect the presence of nearby potholes and fill them with an environmentally friendly mixture of baking beans and lentils.

The government’s listed building scheme has recently been extended to cover potholes and permission is now required to fill any potholes that may bear a resemblance to mediaeval middens, Victorian fonts or WWI mortar craters.