Muesli has a great many uses, none of which is being eaten for breakfast.

Mass-produced muesli usually consists of crushed chipboard, ear wax and vole bones, while the organic and farmhouse varieties include magpie beaks and desiccated peat.

Putting milk on muesli produces a chemical reaction in the brain which induces chronic pretentiousness, and daily intake can lead to vegan delusions and panic attacks.