Apart from A&E, where it’s acceptable to go when you’ve secateured off the top of your finger, hospitals should be avoided like the plague.

If your GP uses the word ‘tests’ in any conversation, it’s best to feign deafness and then sneak out as soon as they look for their stethoscope. Offers of free screening, particularly if preceded by the word ‘routine’ or ‘precautionary’ should be ignored.

Despite your best endeavours, you may still end up in hospital, in which case, there are a few facts you should remember in order to survive the experience.

1. MRSA is not compulsory.

2. Nurses look after people. Doctors rely on nurses. Consultants like using knives.

3. Nine out of the first ten people you meet will be administrators trying to assess how you help them meet their targets.

4. Listening to hospital radio will make you very ill.

5. You’re not allowed to smoke in the operating theatre.

Reassuringly, most hospitals want to discharge you as soon as possible as they need the beds for fat Bulgarians having liposuction (See Mail, Daily).