Hives is a completely unnecessary condition similar to nettle rash and is usually brought on by being in close contact with bees and Swedish rock bands who dress in black and white suits.

Although irritating, hives is rarely serious, and can normally be treated by applying pollen to the affected areas and covering in honey soaked gauze.

Eton hives is a mutant strain of the condition, largely confined to public schoolboys keeping bees under their mortarboards.