Heating, Central


The majority of UK homes have some form of central heating and in theory, it’s an excellent way to keep warm without the need to wear a small mountain of clothing or burn unwanted furniture such as bookcases, commodes and anything from Ikea.

In practice, however, central heating is more usually an excellent way of wasting inordinate amounts of time and money – the former through endless hours listening to tradesmen tell you that you’d be better off ripping out the whole system and starting again (despite the fact that in the majority of cases, they had installed the said system no more than six months before) and the latter involving the unnecessary cost of heating your loft and the recurring expense of repairing or replacing boilers, pumps. pipework, radiators and header tanks full of drowned squirrels, pigeons and other creatures enjoying the warmth of the attic.

For those reasons, most pensioners now choose to have themselves lagged in October and hibernate in the airing cupboard until the following April, thereby cutting their utility bills in half and effectively doubling their weekly pension at the same time.