Despite offering 10% discount to pensioners, B&Q remains one of the major reasons for them losing the will to live.

Although being crushed by a fork-lift is a relatively rare occurrence, many people have suffered severe dehydration and malnutrition while searching for cable clips and many more have been found in advanced states of decomposition after waiting at the check-out to pay for a packet of six gauge screws.

If you are intending to buy anything at B&Q, it’s wise to put aside a couple of days for the purpose, and take a good supply of sandwiches and flask of coffee or soup as well.  Overnight stays are not usually a problem, as you can sleep in one of the store’s garden sheds.  Remember, however, that none of the baths, showers or basins on display are plumbed in, and if you wish to shave or freshen up, the initials to bear in mind are B&B rather than B&Q.