Although most pensioners can ill afford to give gratuities, for those who wish to express their appreciation of exceptional service, the following guide will ensure generosity and economic reality are satisfied in equal measure.

10p    Reshoeing of one horse; serving of cream tea for 12; non-family member taking blame for shoplifting.

20p    Early warning of Jehovah’s Witnesses approaching your house; pre-testing of bungee rope by a very fat person; vicar restricting eulogy to 140 characters.

50p    Delivery of grand piano to fourth floor flat; successful application of Heimlich manoeuvre by a stranger; freeing of all trapped limbs from a cattle grid.

£1      Delivery of baby at roadside by a taxi driver; consuming vegetarian sausages on your behalf; removal of television to prevent accidental exposure to TOWIE.



Giving gratuities to insects or airline cabin staff (known as fly tipping) is illegal.