Shredders are extremely popular with many pensioners, who assiduously destroy every piece of paperwork bearing their personal details to avoid it falling into the hands of the army of identity thieves ransacking their dustbins (See Mail, Daily).

If you feel compelled to buy a shredder, make sure it’s of heavy-duty, industrial quality, since it can then be used to dispose of pizzas, old slippers, roofing felt and the like.

To avoid strangulation, never wear a tie while using a shredder, and never attempt to clear out the paper slot with your tongue.