An active and satisfying sex life is something almost every pensioner can enjoy, and by adopting a few simple techniques, physical intimacy can become more intense and pleasurable as the years go by.

Pornography can be extremely helpful, since watching even a few minutes of it will crease you up with laughter and put you in the relaxed and receptive frame of mind that’s conducive to sexual activity.

Sex aids also have their place, though improvising with melon balers, firelighters and garden strimmers may diminish the pleasure and cause a rash.

Wife and husband swapping can add spice to relationships, and with a little determined haggling, it’s perfectly possible to obtain a good second-hand fridge or several Val Doonican records for either spouse.

For most pensioners, foreplay can last for days or even weeks, although confusion may arise if the phrase “I feel like a stroke” is used too often.

Bondage is increasingly popular among pensioners, with particular favourites being Basildon Bondage, in which one partner is secured to the bed with origami handcuffs, and Flemish Bondage, when both partners pretend to be bricklayers and apply mortar to each other’s cracks.

Experimenting with different positions can also be highly satisfying, though the more athletic examples of the Kama Sutra should be approached with caution. In a recent survey for Saga magazine, the three most mutually satisfying positions for pensioners were

1. Missionary

2. Stairlift en-passant

3. Horizontal Zimmer and mint