Service, Jury


Since they have years of life experience, sound objective judgement and more free time than most people, pensioners are very well suited to sitting on juries and deciding the fate of young hooligans, cowardly muggers, heartless fraudsters and the like.

As well as the opportunity to discharge a civic duty, jury service also pays better than the state pension, and if you include the free coffee and biscuits, plus savings on energy while you’re away from home, then it becomes of positive financial benefit as well.

Once selected for a particular jury, you should listen carefully to the evidence and only nap when the judge is doing likewise.  You are allowed to take notes, ask for clarification and wear your own curly wig, but you are not permitted to smoke, snort with derision at the accused’s alibi or begin construction of a gallows, guillotine or electric chair

At the end of the trial, the judge will sum up the case for both the defence and prosecution, and probably relate a few irrelevant anecdotes about caravan holidays, fagging at their public school and unusual or amusing ways to discipline domestic staff.

On entering the jury room, you will have to elect a foreman, forewoman or  foretransgenderperson, and traditionally this is someone who can write and is wearing a suit.  It’s likely that almost all of the jurors will already have made up their mind on the verdict, so to give the impression of earnest deliberation, a few games of musical chairs or a leisurely cock-fighting tournament should delay proceedings long enough for you to qualify for a free overnight stay at the local Travel Lodge.