The majority of pensioners redecorate their home on a nominal 35-year cycle, and this can make it extremely confusing when presented with the plethora of paint now available at most DIY stores. Broadly speaking though, paint falls into three main groups.

Matt. Mainly used on ceilings, walls, carpets and small kitchen utensils.  Dries to a flat, even finish, especially if applied with a roller or the underside of a large turtle.

Gloss. Mainly used on doors, skirting boards, Danish pastries and swords.  Dries to a shiny, even finish, especially if applied with a soft brush or a well-used baking tray.

Silk.  Mainly used by mistake.  Dries to a patchy, uneven finish, especially if applied with a Victoria sponge or a fish.

Having decided on the preferred finish, choosing an appropriate colour is fairly straightforward, providing the colour card is interpreted as follows:

Moroccan Whisper           Magnolia

Freesia Dawn                     Magnolia

Beyonce                               Magnolia

September Cloud              Magnolia

If your home is occupied by one or more smokers, all colours revert to Fagnolia after six to eight months.