Orgasms, Faking


Faking orgasms can add intensity and pleasure to sexual activities between pensioners and there are many simple ways to achieve the desired effect.

For male pensioners, strapping a small squeezy bottle of Tesco Everyday Value Salad Cream to their member will create a passable simulation of ejaculation, and if fellatio is being performed, it is thoughtful to also wrap the organ in honey roast ham or thinly sliced swirls of cucumber – not only to add taste and variety to the experience, but also to provide additional sustenance during prolonged bouts of activity.

Other techniques, such as stapling a leek to your pyjamas, grunting in time with Sibelius’ Finlandia or throwing a tin of white emulsion over your partner may have varying degrees of success, while battery operated aids such as food whisks, screwdrivers and reading lamps are only of real value when sex coincidentally takes place during the preparation of meringues, the assembly of bedside tables and the checking of racing results.

Female pensioners will almost certainly have been faking orgasms for several decades and should be able to continue the practice undetected by their partner.