Noises, Unnecessary


On becoming a pensioner, most people soon notice that strange, involuntary grunts and wheezes accompany virtually every movement they make. This is quite normal for movements such as sitting down, putting on socks and taking the milk from the fridge, and unnecessary noises should only be of concern if they replace speech, turn into an excerpt from Bohemian Rhapsody or simultaneously cause you to cough, urinate or shout obscenities.

Trying to suppress unnecessary noises can be dangerous, and may lead to high blood pressure, impetigo and shingles, while attempting to disguise them as normal, intended utterances will, at best, make you sound like a member of UKIP and, at worst, make you sound like a member of UKIP.

Most pensioners find that their unnecessary noises plateau at a certain level, but if yours appear to be out of control, a short course of Benzedrine or Maltesers may be of some use.

Recording your unnecessary noises and using them as a ring-tone is not recommended, as this means you will already have a mobile phone.