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In a recent survey by fretvex.com, almost 46% of pensioners admitted to being troubled by moles.
Broadly speaking, these worries fell into two groups – the potential cancerous properties of hairy, pigmented growths on the body and the numerous unsightly mounds of earth scarring the respondent’s lawn, local park or bowling green.
However, 17 people were concerned about spies, 11 about the iconic masonry pier at Lyme Regis, 9 about chilli and chocolate sauce popular in Mexico, two about their grandson, Adrian, and one about the classic French dish moles mariniere.
Perhaps more surprisingly, there also proved to be a very close correlation between each category and an individual’s age, religious faith, political persuasion, weight, choice of newspaper and favourite sausage – so that the typical person worried about their grandson, Adrian, was a 64-year-old Jehova’s Witness who read the Daily Telegraph, usually voted for UKIP, preferred pork and apple chipolatas and weighed 14st 8lbs (104 kg).