Meditation can be a useful technique to help pensioners reduce stress and achieve a greater sense of peace and harmony. It can be undertaken in any relatively quiet location, such as a bedroom, river bed or non-league football ground, and apart from a small ethnic rug, no special equipment is required.

To start, you should sit cross-legged in the position known as The Buggered Knee, with your arms bent at the elbow and your hands cupped as if measuring the girth of a small salamander. You should then breathe deeply and have a cigarette.

After this interlude, you should close your eyes and visualise yourself shrinking to the size of a grain of sand, or if that proves too difficult, a chicken. On reaching this state, you may start to chant your own personal mantra, almost inaudibly at first, but then rising to a level akin to an efficient refrigerator several rooms away. Continue this until you are either asleep or bored rigid, at which point, your mind should be completely empty and your bladder full enough to require attention.