Mail, Daily


Although people often become more conservative with age, that’s no excuse for reading the Daily Mail. Regular exposure may lead you to believe that your home is besieged by homosexual illegal immigrants intent on stealing your life savings and trafficking your children into prostitution, and the ensuing depression and paranoia can severely restrict your enjoyment of life.

However, the Daily Mail is extremely good for lighting fires, lining cat litter trays, wrapping crockery, cleaning windows and packing out cadavers during autopsies.