Although most pensioners now have their own washing machine, it may well be more convenient and less physically demanding to make use of a laundrette for such items as duvet covers, curtains, hot air balloons and particularly rancid socks.

Most pets can also be washed at a laundrette, with the average machine easily accommodating several dogs and cats, 20 or 30 guinea pigs, hundreds of goldfish and a small llama.  For best results, animals should be loaded in order of size – with the largest at the bottom – and putting each through a mangle prior to tumble drying will cut the time and cost of that part of the process.

Pensioners are advised to use laundrettes on Thursday or Friday, since Monday is usually taken up with under-ten’s football kit, Tuesday with cassocks, hassocks and other religious vestments, and Wednesday with flags, banners and gonfalons.  (Saturday and Sunday are reserved exclusively for students)

Laundrettes are extremely sociable places and many hold informal but regular sessions of chess, Zumba, taxidermy and many other activities.  Such friendships can be the precursor to more lasting relationships, and in 2012, over 600 pensioners married (little more than 450 bigamously) someone they first met over their washing.