Kidnapped, Being


According to the most recent UK crime survey, the odds of any pensioner being kidnapped are approximately 1.69 million to one. However, to put this into context, until 2014, the odds of winning the national lottery were about 14 million to one, and since at least one person was successful almost every week, statistically there should be a minimum of 418 pensioners kidnapped in a typical year.

You’re most likely to be kidnapped if you’re extremely wealthy or in possession of state secrets, although you could also become a victim through a family feud, a failed business venture with a psychopath or attending dramatized readings of Robert Louis Stevenson novels.

Whatever the circumstances, the optimum strategy is always to co-operate fully with your captors, avoiding irritating actions such as singing Ed Sheeran songs to keep your spirits up and correcting spelling or grammar in ransom notes.

In all probability, you will be released within 7-10 days (possibly with one less finger than you could previously count on) and any ransom paid can be quickly recouped by selling the story of your ordeal at the hands of violently sadistic foreign thugs to the Daily Mail.