Hygiene, Personal


Personal hygiene was invented by Sir Robert Baden-Powell at the first scout camp on Brownsea Island in 1907.  While his original concept concentrated on brushing teeth, delousing hats and varnishing woggles, it has now evolved into general consideration and maintenance of feet, armpits and genitalia.

To maintain the optimum level of personal hygiene, feet should be immersed in a dilute solution of tepid distilled water every morning and evening, paying particular attention to the areas between the toes, where infestations of foot mite and digital nematodes are most likely to occur.  Applying a measured amount of talcum powder or finely sieved self-raising flour will also discourage the growth of warts, chilblains and verrucae, while sanding soles and heels with a medium grade emery paper will remove flaking skin, blackheads and unsightly knots.

Armpits, or axillae, are normally found beneath the arms at the junction with the body, and commonly exude an unpleasant, fetid smell if left unattended.  Most armpits contain both hair and sweat glands, and these were originally thought to be the source of the offensive odours.  However, recent clinical studies have identified the parasitic armpetigo reechus as the cause of such aromas, and this is easily treated by the application of a blow lamp or flame thrower.  Shaving armpits can inadvertently stimulate the sweat glands and encourage the growth of moss, so should only be undertaken by men called Stirling or women called Kate.

The genital area in both men and women is particularly prone to excretions of a mephitic nature and should be soaked in a sugar soap solution for several hours before carefully drying with an angora mitten.  During this process, it is common for arousal to occur, and should this prove distracting, the effect can be ameliorated by staring intently at a picture of  a brass rubbing or solving quadratic equations in your head.  Unlike armpits, genital areas benefit greatly from being shaved or depilated, and the pubic hair thus gathered makes an excellent growing medium for ornamental cacti.