Halloween is a harmless festivity which can be enjoyed by young and old alike, and if you’re a pensioner, there’s little more satisfying than turning up at your neighbour’s door with tomato ketchup dripping from your eye sockets – especially if you do so in the middle of September when they’re least expecting it.

Once the frightened children have been put to bed, you can offer a trick or treat, always leaning towards the treat, which should include large denomination bank-notes, well-aged malt whisky and expensive cuts of meat. Tricks should be playful rather than malicious, so a prettily coloured brick through the window, nailing the cat to the garage or pushing a burning rag through the letterbox are all perfectly acceptable.

If you’re visited by youngsters in Halloween costumes, opening the door with your best impression of Jack Nicholson in The Shining should be enough to scare them away, but if they seem undaunted, giving them sweeties laced with LSD will enliven their evening when they’re safely away from your premises.