Falls and their consequences are one of the five most common concerns among the elderly and in an average year, more than 600,000 pensioners suffer serious injury or death as a result of such occurrences.

Over the past decade, the University of Oldham has conducted extensive research into the problem and its Faculty of Involuntary Descent has developed a number of effective ways to combat the likelihood of injury as a result of falling, including:

Sumo wrestler fat suits.  Excellent for all-round protection and very useful for shoplifting, but can make it difficult to get up again after a fall.

Permanent all-fours crawling.  Very good for people who live in bungalows and like to lap their food from bowls, though not suitable for regular participants of beach volleyball.

Bubble-wrap.  Applied to the immediate environment rather than the person, an 8” (200mm) thick layer on all vertical and horizontal surfaces is sufficient in most cases – though it can make plaster sweat and increase the inherent dampness of the home.

Complete bone removal.  Only recommended for people who fall over more than 17 times an hour (or 126 times a day).