Disclaimers are now attached to virtually every product and service, and are specifically designed to confuse and deceive the pensioner. Unless you have the eyesight of a kestrel, you are unlikely to be able to read them and even if you can discern more than one word in seven, you will still need an honours degree in semantics to understand what they mean.

The catch-all disclaimer ‘subject to terms and conditions’ usually disqualifies you from any redress for any reason, and may also subject you and all your children to birching, imprisonment or deportation.

The disclaimer ‘batteries not included’ usually appears on packs of bananas and is completely meaningless.