Old people are sometimes said to have a distinctive smell, but this rarely proves to be the case until you’re well into your nineties and living in Warrington. However, the moderate use of deodorants can allay your fears of fetidness and prove an effective deterrent to small rodents as well.

You can now buy deodorants for virtually every area of your body, for use after almost every form of physical activity and in almost every conceivable combination of scents and fragrances.

Underarm deodorants work by gluing together the facing sides of your armpit to prevent egress of fumes, and for this reason, they should never be used in the vicinity of the buttocks, as this may compromise voiding of undigested residues.

Roll-on deodorants are more convenient to store, but aerosol deodorants are more flexible and can be used to incapacitate would-be muggers, bailiffs and double-glazing salesmen.

Prolonged use of deodorants can inhibit your body’s defence mechanisms and make you more susceptible to viral infections, and in extreme cases, may adulterate your natural pheromones and make you irresistible to otters.

According to a recent survey, the three most popular scents with pensioners are

1. lily of the valley

2. lily of the valley and cheese

3. lily of the valley and silage.