Numerous people become hard of hearing as they get older, mainly as a result of working in an excessively noisy environment, being forced to listen to Brian Blessed or having wrens nest in their ears.
The condition can be greatly alleviated by an ear trumpet, which is preferable to a hearing aid as it is much more difficult to lose and can also be used to decant wine or fill bird seed containers. It can also be decorated in the colours of your favourite football team or be engraved with pithy epithets such as “There’s no need to shout, you patronising git.”
Selective deafness can be a great consolation to many pensioners, particularly when trapped in a lift with a hedge fund manager or within a 40 mile radius of John McCririck.
There is no cure for deafness and most clinics offering to sew extra pairs of ears onto your head have had limited success. Deafness has no discernible effect on virility, Scrabble scores or jam making.