Crowdfunding is the internet version of begging and can offer pensioners a simple, safe and stigma-free way of augmenting their Basic State Pittance.

Unfortunately, many pensioners make the basic mistake of being honest about their circumstances and needs, and quickly discover that saying you’d like to have the heating on for more than three minutes a day only elicits a tortuously slow trickle of niggardly donations, alongside an avalanche of offensive comments inviting you to set fire to your legs and warm your hands on those instead of whinging on at much younger people who are significantly worse off on universal credit.

According to the website,, the most successful crowdfunding sites feature a child with a terminal illness, a remarkable new invention or a flying squirrel bouncing off a seed feeder.  In contrast, the least successful major on a flying squirrel with a terminal illness, a child bouncing off a seed feeder or a hat made from garden worms.

The most successful crowdfunding pensioner in the UK is 82-year-old Rhoda Duxworthy, who raised £830 million in less than three weeks in order to buy the company behind Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream and rename their popular products  Speedy & Gonzales in memory of her pet tortoises, which were run over by an Ocado delivery van.