Creaming, Knee


Most pensioners find that the skin on one or more of their knees becomes increasingly gnarled and inelastic with age, and left unattended, this may lead to the development of patellaphantiasis in which the skin forms leathery flaps that progressively inhibit movement in both the knee and the trunk.

Although there are a number of readily available proprietary treatments – such as Royal jelly, Cillit Bang Total Knee Blast and Rotula Hock’s Herbal Nard – home-made remedies are a fraction of the cost and equally ineffective.

The most recent edition of What Knee listed 138 different therapies, with the three deemed most beneficial being Chantilly cream infused with burdock, creosote biscuits and spaniel-tongue swaddling soaked in smarmy nim.

Pensioners with chronic hispidity of the knee are not required to kneel when being knighted, and are usually presented to the monarch in a horizontal position, either on a special vavasour trolley or held at the appropriate height by four senior members of the College of Arms, dressed in tabards bearing a crest of knee sinister with mullet piles.