As a pensioner, you’re almost certain to be celebrating fewer birthdays in the future than you have in the past, so it’s obviously important to enjoy the ones you have left with as much relish as possible.

Ideally, you should spend the day doing things which are generally frowned upon, potentially risky, usually thought inappropriate for a person of your age and normally considered a complete waste of time and money. While it’s difficult to give specific examples of such behaviour, there are certain activities which you should definitely avoid on your birthday, and these include listening to the shipping forecast, draining your central heating system and going to a concert by The Saturdays.

Any birthday cards purporting to refer jovially to your age should be burnt, as should Steradent and Sanatogen gift sets, wig tokens, inflatable bath cushions and tickets to concerts by The Saturdays.