Attacks, Heart


The older you get, the more likely you are to have a heart attack, and in the UK, a pensioner succumbs to an adverse cardiac event approximately every 12 minutes.

However, we now have considerable knowledge of the risk factors involved and by taking a few simple precautions, it’s possible to reduce these by a significant factor.

          Avoid fat.  Don’t eat lard sandwiches, whale blubber, tallow candles or cellulite mousse; cross the road if you see an overweight person; don’t deep-fry salads; don’t issue or obey fatwahs; always use low-fat spreads such as Vaseline, Duraglit or unrefined jollop; don’t use a computer with a File Application Table (FAT).

          Stop smoking.  Particularly kippers, haddock, salmon and jackets.

          Avoid stress.  Don’t fly with Ryanair; don’t take exams; always drive on the pavement; don’t work in the NHS; don’t give up smoking; don’t worry about exercise; don’t have children; don’t holiday in Iraq; give up commuting.

          Take regular exercise.  Walk to the snooker table for each shot; throw your dog after the stick; row the Atlantic once a month; have your stair lift removed; stand up to watch the marathon on TV; run away to join a circus; lift a fat person over your head.

          Avoid depression. Don’t support Crystal Palace; don’t move to Hounslow; don’t watch Eastenders; don’t wear sandals; don’t become a vegetarian; don’t weigh yourself; don’t watch the news; give up commuting.