Apps are computer programmes designed to run on smart phones, tablet computers and other mobile devices, and in 2013, more than 102 billion were downloaded worldwide. Of these, 101 billion were computer games, with the three most popular being

Angry Birds.  Cartoon pigs are destroyed by cartoon birds fired from a cartoon catapult.

Zap-a-Zit. Players squeeze blackheads to obliterate the face of a nominated friend or celebrity.

Bubble Glum Moo Boing. A sad looking cow blows bubbles while a trampoline is manoeuvred into the correct position to bounce it over a railway line without it being hit by a train.

In the UK, the most popular apps are related to maps and the weather, enabling users not only to be aware that it’s raining very heavily in Carlisle, but also how to get there avoiding the M6 (contraflow between junctions 41 and 42) and the A596 (accident involving lorry and polar bear at Micklethwaite).

Among pensioners, the apps most often downloaded are

Angry Snails. Similar to Angry Birds but with much slower gameplay.

TeaTotal. A comprehensive list of the UK’s tea shops, with constantly updated, real-time availability of tables and independent carrot cake ratings.

Cremate-a-Mate. A definitive guide to the time taken to cremate any named person, based on their height and weight, with or without false teeth, wig, hearing aid and the like.

App is short for apparently-some-people-are-willing-to-pay-for-this-tosh.