Ague is an historic form of fever, which now rarely affects anyone other than crossword solvers, civil war re-enactors and people who live in Towcester (pronounced Toaster).

In general, it should only be treated with Sir Andrew Aguecheek’s Ague Check Tincture and other suitably venerable medicaments, and is often exacerbated by the use of modern antibiotics such as penicillin, eugetaleukin, forgivmycin and batmanorobin.

Pensioners with dementia who also suffer from ague are usually referred to as vague, while those who wear baseball caps back to front or suddenly move to Holland are known as hague.